It is in my nature as a human to do things. After all, we are all bound to roll boulders up the hill only for them to fall down again. In my life up until now, I have found meaning - or at-least tried to - via things like learning, connecting, understanding, etc. But more often than not, I find my time and effort and attention being involuntarily spent on things that are entirely meaningless to me on a personal level. Still, I have to drudge on forwards in those endeavours because if I don’t things will get much harder for me. It is because of this disconnect between what I want to do and what I actually have to do, that I feel conflicted about my own esteem almost all the time. I have to pretend to be something I am not, in ways both big and small, which makes me feel like an impostor. The world is a product of many complex and intricate forces and ideals, and so am I. But, my ideas and even my patterns of acting are often in conflict with my actual real world circumstances. Thus, the root cause of all the problems I face while interfacing with the world is that the society that I inhabit is not really purpose built for me.

I want to do things that help make the world a better place for everyone in it. I want to understand the universe from the micro to the macro scale using various lenses of observation. I want to find and feel a connection with a community of peers who understand me and vibe with me. I want to create stuff - useful or useless - just for the sake of creating out of the human spirit something that did not exist before. I do not want money, or fame, or power - my desire for such vices is minimal. But the world that I inhabit, worships these forces vehemently. The social structure punishes one if they don’t worship these artifacts too. You will not be considered a successful person, if you don’t have money, fame, or power. So, I am faced with a choice - to capitulate or to suffer. The matter is complicated further because choice is not as binary or even as one-off as it seems. I have to make this choice each waking instant of my life in varying degrees of magnitude. Eventually, the act of choosing itself becomes a torment.

Having lived my life as a pariah, I have developed a lot of mechanisms to compromise with any social expectations that I might have to face. But an aftertaste of dishonesty remains whenever I employ such techniques. Maybe instead of changing myself to fit in this broken world, I need to start working on making the world more accepting of alternate perspectives like my own. A more tolerant, pluralistic world that is built, not just for a few who fit a mold, but to accommodate each and every unique human consciousness. Is such a world even possible? The computer scientist Alan Kay once said, “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” So the question then becomes, how do I change the world for the better?